ORGANIZED CHAOS

I’m reviving this blog of mine. I think I need an outlet yet again for my random thoughts.

Gawd, I wanna kill Misteryosa.com. Seriously.

It was a quick talk. I did most of the talking, of course, although I must admit that I really was at loss for words then. First thing she asked me was if I lost weight when I took the medicines she prescribed the last time. But I, having researched the purpose and effects of my and my brother’s meds, had to laugh. One of my meds was supposed to make me gain weight, and I never doubted that effect. I only had to look at myself in the mirror and really, I wouldn’t need any more validation.

We didn’t start where we left off — the ex-boyfriend. But the talk did steer somewhere along that line. Apparently, she didn’t remember that I told her that I’m currently single. And extremely happy about it (stop looking at me like that, I really am!). It was somewhat amusing.

Doc: Do you have a boyfriend?
Me: *makes a face — apparently a sour one*
Doc: *looks at me and chuckles loudly* Why?
Me: Uhm…. * shrugs*
Doc: Parents don’t approve?
Me: Oh, no. They met my ex and my mom loved him so much she still gets on my case from time to time about how she misses him and all. *gently shakes head*
Doc: So…why?
Me: *looks straight into her eyes and proclaims that…* I don’t need one.

I bet she understood. I mean, hey, duh, she’s currently undergoing an annulment case. She’d know what I was talking about.

Before I left, she asked me if my brother’s going to church. I hesitated a moment before telling her that I don’t, but my mother does (even does novena on Wednesday/Friday). We, as a family, don’t go to church on Sundays. I don’t even know if my father knows what a church is. Anyway, apparently, Robby wants to go to church. And I’m honestly baffled by this.

I don’t know if his [former] school imposes a Friday mass routine, but during my time, well, yeah. Kinda. And since it’s a catholic school, everyone’s forced to attend. That being said, maybe the brother just wonders if he can find spiritual peace or something. That maybe he seeks to hang on to something spiritual in nature. I honestly don’t know. But if it’d help him with his condition, then I wouldn’t be too stern on my stand to let him go visit the “house of god” alone. I’d be with him if he wanted me to be with him, and that’s all there is. Doesn’t matter if I doubt about God, or doubt about a god. Doesn’t matter if most of the christian people I know are a bunch of religious hypocrites and — pains me to say thiss, but it has to be said — moral hypocrites as well. Doesn’t matter. I don’t care for religion since I reached high school, and frankly, while I wouldn’t want to be caught dead with GMA or the Spears sisters (all talk and no substance…staunch christian my ass), making my family a better one is helluva lot more important than worrying about something that concerns religion.

A new post at Trichster. I’m making it a habit to post something there everyday. It seems to help a lot unburdening myself with my self-inflicted frustrations. It lessens the stress a lot. I can’t believe I didn’t do it earlier.

Although I bought the domain a couple of weeks ago, I hadn’t the time nor enthusiasm to have a content there for a while. Then the medicines I was taking helped me a lot, so I kinda forgot all about it. Then the meds ended, so I’m back to my old trichster self. I’ve been reading a lot of online resources, from blogs to articles, for me to cope with my situation. I think it’s working. But I don’t want to be too sure until I get to talk with the shrink.

I feel better now. I do. Really.

So…Aside from buying 30+ second-hand paperbacks and mall hopping the past couple of days with my brother, I’ve also been “taking care” of my brother. He’s now in an informal home study program, and I’m his, well, “teacher.” SAAQC is playing safe with the decision; they never issued a written recommendation for Robby’s case. It’s taking a toll on this family that both my brother and I are unable to attend classes because of numerous factors I can’t even begin to deal with. I’m sick, he’s sick, and my parents are getting sick because of all these problems following us like a plague. It’s really funny, in a morbid way.

My brother has missed so many classes the past few months after his tantrum episodes that he can’t possibly catch up in just a blink of an eye. He can’t be talked with about his issues as he clams up every time the topics are brought up. The school admin is well over the edge because as much as they like to go help Robby, they can’t jeopardize the majority of the students. His classmates are afraid of him. We really don’t know what we can do to help him, but we’ve remained supportive of everything we think can make things better.

It practically broke my heart when my brother told us that he wants to go back to school. He misses having his classmates around. He misses his teachers. He misses going to school. I’m afraid that nodding the recommendation to separate him from his classmates is a big mistake. He’s more isolated now from his school friends and teachers. I think it would greatly affect how he deals with kids his own age.

Anyway, I’m having a hard time teaching my brother so he’d be ready for his exams later this week. I’m not trained for this. I have absolutely no idea how to deal with this. Sure, I’ve taught street kids before, but that was minor stuff — ABC, 123. But this is my brother. If his trained teachers can’t handle him, what gives anyone the idea that I can?

It also adds to the stress. I’m off the meds right now, and the relapse is strong. I get more stressed whenever I don’t do something that relieves me of the urge to pluck every strand of my hair. I can’t wait for my Saturday appointment. I need to unload. And fast.

Wrote my first entry today because of the relapse. I need some time for myself. More time.

No fun taking P200 pills to keep myself sane.

But I think they’re actually working. Who knows? I’ve only been in it for a day. Probably the reason why I haven’t been able to go online for 2 days.

That’s what I’m feeling right now. I haven’t been receiving decent support from my bank, and now they’re just really getting into my nerves.

No, it’s not because I’ve gotten used to the semi-royal treatment from the other bank, where I only have to say the word and it happens. This crappy-support-bank really just have crappy support. Seriously.

Mom keeps asking me if I could last till Friday or Saturday.

Maybe.

Maybe not.

I don’t know.

All I know is that I want to get better. I feel so guilty because I seem to bring more disappointment to my family than pride. I may be considered the “smartest,” but I hell am not…good. It’s not helping that I’m adding to the nuisance my brother’s bringing us.

Hiyang-hiya na talaga ako.

Just got home from my brother’s school. Apparently, he was running around the school, talking with himself. School wouldn’t let him go home so I had to pick him up.

I’m disliking the guidance counselor more and more every freaking day. She may be a pretty woman in the conventional sense, but pfft. Inggrata!

I’ve been feeling faint for the past couple of hours. Then I realize that I haven’t eaten in more than 24 hours. Oh, great. One day of nervous breakdown and here I am forgetting the wonders of eating.

Maybe I can make use of the Krispy Kreme gift certicate I’ve won in the 2007 Philippine Blog Awards. And that’s a fat maybe.

Tinatamad pa naman ako magluto. ^_^